sestinaqueen (sestinaqueen) wrote,

Me, Myself, and a Bag of Quilts

I don’t know how to tell people about myself.
(I can tell them where I come from, where I’ve been, that I’m 34, and perpetually single.)
Then that’s where I get sort of complicated—
I have always thought of myself as straight—
I always think of the opposite sex when I think of a relationship—
But I don’t really think about sex, most of the time.

I always thought I was just so busy, that I was focused on academics for a time,
I was working on making a better life for myself
That’s why I never had many dates or a relationship.
I was actually content being single.
Now that I’m older, I need to set the record straight—
I love the idea of a relationship, it’s everything else that is complicated

Growing up I didn’t think love and romance was that complicated,
my parents were married for such a long time.
Soon enough I learned my path wasn’t so straight,
that a lot of the time I preferred to be by myself,
that I’d rather be single
then anything less than a friendly relationship

I want to be friends when I’m in a relationship,
And it takes so much to be my friend-I’m complicated-
I’ve been on plenty of first dates, but every single
one never ends up with a second, because every time
I foretell how it’s all going to end, and I never give myself
the chance to fail, to set my life straight

I no longer tell people I’m straight.
It doesn’t really define how I want a relationship,
And it’s not the entire truth about myself.
Over the last few years, I’ve learned that sexual identity and romantic orientation are complicated.
If I had to put myself out there, just this one time,
I would say I’m a gray heteroromantic ace: which is why it’s easier to say single.

Most of the people in my life know I’m single,
Most of them think that I am straight.
I may tell everyone in time.
Someday, I may even be able to explain it to someone in a relationship,
other than telling them it’s complicated.
I’ll be able to say it out oud, if not for them, for myself.

Even though I haven’t been in one single relationship,
I can say with a straight face that my sexual/romantic orientation is complicated,
And in time it will just be another part of my self.
Tags: an actual sestina, ljidol
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